The other night, I woke up with a sudden wave of anxiety—a bit stronger than usual. My body was shaking, and my stomach felt like it was tying itself into knots. A year or two ago, this mix of physical discomfort and the fear of losing sleep (and possibly missing work) would have sent me into a full-blown anxiety spiral. I’d overthink it all, which would complete the vicious self-fulfilling cycle. But this time was different. While my body was still reacting to the anxiety, my mind stayed calm and, surprisingly, I didn’t cross that threshold into a full-on attack.
Curious, I thought about what I’d been doing differently. In the past, I would aggressively try to shut my mind off, hoping to stop “worse” thoughts from creeping in; usually – as any amateur meditator could guess – I would not succeed. Another strategy was to focus on happy memories, but my anxious mind would twist them into something negative just as quickly.
This time, instead of forcing myself into silence or sleep, I did something else: I talked to myself, both in my head and out loud. I repeated phrases like, “You’re okay,” “You need some water,” “It’s okay, try again,” “Everything will be alright,” and “You don’t feel okay but that is okay.” Essentially, I gentle-parented myself through the anxiety.
This got me thinking – admittedly not too original of thoughts – about something we all experience: talking to ourselves. It’s one of those things people love to joke about, especially if they catch you muttering under your breath. We often get strange looks or teasing comments when we do it, as if talking to ourselves is a little too “crazy”. Even now, I feel self-conscious talking aloud to myself, —especially when trying to verbally comfort myself during an anxious moment with someone else around. I’ll think, “Only crazy people sit in a corner rocking back and forth, talking to themselves and saying the same things over and over, right?” … right? *
But if you really think about it, we’re all talking to ourselves, all the time. That constant internal dialogue—whether it’s in first, second, or third person—never really stops. And for those of us who deal with anxiety, depression, or other mental health struggles, that inner voice can be relentless. It loves to focus on our worries and self-doubts. Yet somehow, we’ve decided that it’s more acceptable to endure those harsh, silent thoughts than to speak to ourselves out loud positively and with kindness…because, you know, that’s less “crazy”.
Here’s the funny thing: we know that speaking kind, supportive words to ourselves helps, but it still feels unnatural or awkward. Why is that? Why is it that we’ve normalized quietly battling our mental health issues but feel weird talking to ourselves out loud, even when we know it’s the better option?
I think it’s time we normalize talking to ourselves out loud—kindly and without shame. Just like we’d comfort a friend or a child and help them calm and relax,, we can show ourselves that same compassion. And if that means saying it out loud, so be it. After all, if we’re going to have this running commentary in our heads anyway, why not make it something worth hearing?
* Note that this same thought can be reworded to be “Only crazy people self-soothe, right?”. Now, that isn’t a fair thought is it? It should be “Healthy people self-soothe, period.”