Our perception of self and the way we relate to others in intimate relationships is linked to the experiences we had with our primary caregivers as children. When a baby has a need, the baby cries, and the caregiver comes to meet the need.  This cycle repeats numerous times the first year of life. If our caregivers were attuned and responsive to our needs, we learned to trust, and our brain developed with the ability to securely attach to others and expect the best outcomes when depending on another.  This is the foundation of secure attachment.

Securely attached individuals enjoy resiliency, emotional regulation, good decision making, and the ability to healthily manage conflict.  They are mindfully aware of their own needs, sensitive to the needs of others, and often enjoy better outcomes in their finances, careers, and marriages.

If we experienced confusing, frightening, or inconsistent emotional communication during infancy, and if our caregiver was unable to consistently respond to our needs, we are more likely to have experienced an insecure attachment. Infants with insecure attachment often grow into adults who have difficulty understanding their own emotions and the feelings of others, limiting their ability to build or maintain stable relationships. They may find it difficult to connect to others, shy away from intimacy, or be clingy, fearful, and anxious in a relationship.

The term “attachment bonding” may sound more complicated than it is.  Creating a secure bond may seem to imply a demanding, round-the-clock commitment. Alternatively, it requires the ability to reduce stress that is affecting ourselves and our children and the ability to tune in our children’s emotions.  Being attuned and responsive to the needs of our children is a key factor in the way their brains organize as well as how they develop socially, emotionally, intellectually, and physically.

Research has shown that the most securely attached children share a higher degree of non-verbal exchange with their attachment figures. A secure attachment bond stems from the wordless emotional exchange that draws a parent and child together, ensuring that the child feels safe and calm enough to experience optimal development of their nervous system. An insecure attachment bond, one that fails to meet our child’s need for safety and understanding, can lead to confusion about their own identity and difficulties with learning and relating to others in later life.

Whatever your specific relationship concerns, it’s important to know that your brain remains capable of change throughout life. By identifying your attachment style, you can learn to challenge your insecurities, develop a more securely attached way of relating to others, and build stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships.